* Gulp *

I am going to have to blog on my own time after 5pm today.

WTF.

Well, it's been nice knowing y'all.

Cat.

Hot tin roof.

Yep ... that's me.

This Girl from last years blog post just came and told me that she had enjoyed working with me and tried to give me a goodbye hug.

Then she asked where we were all going after work for the 'leaving drinks'.

If she goes it will be the emergency room.

Take that you twisted bastard.

Serve at least 4 1/2 before you are eligible for parole.

I'm sure most of you know what I am rambling about.

I think it's kinda good closure that on my last day here the guy who sent the letter bomb is sentenced don't you?

Still behaving with dignity and holding my head high.

Exit interview done with.

That was hilarious.

I was very professional about it.

Really.

Manipulative, vindictive, ladder-climbing, back stabbing, fake, talentless, hypocritical.

Just a few words that spring to mind on this fine crisp morn.

Now, where is that pink gun?

It's almost over Abi.

Ta da !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Validated too !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The pirate of course ... not the shell of the Cutty Sark.

Something about glass houses and people throwing stones.

Oh well, off to bed with my drunk beyond repair tired ass.

x

Not one sarcastic comment.

Any able to suggest a decent 'guide book' to England (or Britain).

I want something that has all kinds of ideas for places to go explore on weekends. Not the usual touristy trap stuff either.

Someone suggested the Lonely Planets series but to behonest I would rather get a mix of suggestions before blindly donating my hard earned *cough* money to Amazon.

I feel like I fell into a family reunion.

Guinea pigs and hamsters everybloodywhere.

* squeak *

Every now and then I stroll back in my blog to see what I was doing a year ago.

It seems this time last year I was having thoughts about dating.

Must be a yearly thing for me.

Is that possible?

Do you think there are times of the year you think about things more than other times of the year. Is it because I have just had a birthday?

Hmmmmmmmm.

Not at this stage of my life anyway.

After much thought and number crunching I have had to face the fact that I am NOT going to be able to go to work for the prison service.

I knew that the wage would be lower than what I am earning currently but I really thought I could trim some corners etc so that I could make the move.

However £15,900 less is quite a lot of fucking corners.

If I took the job I would be on eggshells each month with fingers crossed that nothing would go wrong.

Vacations, new shoes, wine and eating would be a distant dream.

Etc etc ...........

So it is with sad resignation in my voice that I let you all know I signed the permanant (instead of the three month) contract with the firm that will henceforth be know as 'Jim'.

I shall start there on October 1st.

No ... I am not driven by money and therefore a selfish cow ... I am driven by the need for security.

In other news ... one of the managers here came and asked me to give her some hints as to what I would like for a leaving present.

Is asking for a Audi TT soft top a little cheeky?

I have a date tonight.

I feel bad though because to be fair I am really only going through the motions.

I just don't have the energy for all the preamble crap.

The dates where you are sickly polite and only talk about safe things.

Where you don't let any skeletons out of the closet.

Seriously, I feel like a fraud when I go on these dates cos they always thinks I am such a catch.

Reality is though that when I start opening up and revealing the rest of me they run a mile.

So like I said ... why bother.

Then on Saturday I have a date arranged through a BDSM site.

So at least there is that part out of the way and I know they will not be shocked/disgusted by my inner needs when they come up in conversation but sadly I have come to find that guys who know that up front assume they don't have to bother knowing anything more about me.

Which then makes things end before they start. Intimacy is about more than sex.

So again ... why bother.

I think I am just having a vulnerable time right now where I want some closeness. I want some laughter. Some shared secrets. Some intense sex.

Is it so abnormal to want someone who is intrigued by both the outside and the inside? Why can I only seem to get people who one or the other and not both.

Don't worry, I'll get over it and normal service will be resumed.

Until I no longer work for this company.

Why is that clock moving so slow?

Went and did role play at HMP Grendon yesterday.

I snorted ... yes, Subsy, I snorted with laughter right in the middle of one scene !

I have had four emails today telling me how happy I will be with a larger penis.

To think it was only yesterday that I misplaced my cervix.

In other news ... after 16 months my blog crush has finally made reference to getting me drunk and taking advantage of me.

What?

That's how I read it.

I am being a brat.

I am aware of this and don't need it pointed out.

I did not get one single birthday present.

Nothing.

Nadda.

Yes, I know I am 35 but I kinda thought I might get a wee summat at least from family.

Yes, I know at my age it should not be about gifts but about having friends and family and my health.

Blah fucking blah.

I didn't even get a happy birthday wish from my older brother ... not even a text message.

I guess after me not being in the same country as them for 16 years it made it easy for them not to bother.

Here is my post from my birthday last year and it seems that things never change.

Charlie was encouraging me to get drunk.

Juzzzy was picking on my spelling.

A certain someone * ahem * was looking for excuses to go to strip clubs.

When I was sitting in the doctors office this morning waiting to have a routine cervical smear thingymajig done ...... what?

Isn't that what every girl schedules for her birthday?

Anyway, when I was sitting there texting to pass the time ( ) little did I know that a part of my body was in hiding.

I soon found out though.

The bloody nurse had me propped up on a pillow ... well my ass.

She had me stand up and shake ... I jest ye not.

She had me put balled up fists under my hips.

Yet the apparently just out of medical school nurse could not find my cervix.

I was quite sure I had one when I left the house.

Wonder if I left it at the gas station.

Hmmmmm.

So she leaves me half naked on that wonderful paper sheet and goes in search of the doctor.

Shutting the door was not an option it seemed!

Five minutes later I have the doctor up to his wrist inside me trying to 'twist and drop' my cervix.

W.T.F.

So I am now sitting here at my desk feeling abused, violated and sticky.

Best fucking birthday I've had since I was 5 and got my ears pierced.

Ipod or MP3 ?

Why ?

Guess which one I did last night.

Taking tomorrow off because ... well, because I can. What are they gonna do ... fire me?

So.... three days and no plans.

Hmmmmmmm.

I need to pee REALLY bad.

I am waiting on a very important phone call.

It will no doubt involve me handing over my credit card details.

I'll probably end up in tears at the end.

I have a feeling the conversation will be all one sided.

I will probably get about 4 words into the conversation.

Yet, I can't miss this call.

It's C.

He wants me to pay for a (American) football camp that he has been selected for.

So I shall hear all about the rewards of him going and of how I will feel proud cos I paid.

* rolls eyes *

Yet ...

I.

Need.

To.

Pee.

Does anyone have a spare cup?

Don't ask.

Bollocks.

Went and saw the place for the contract job yesterday.

It was horrible.

Why?

Well, the pay is about 5k higher than what I make now.

The pension scheme is amazing (if I choose to forget the PO idea and go permanent with them)

More days off.

People all seem nice (plus I would be the person who they NEED to be nice to ... * evil smile *)

Use of divisional car for out of town meetings.

Pretty much my own boss.

Now ..... here is the possible deal breaker ....

My computer is visible to all. No more spending work hours surfing.

I will have to actually .... * cough *.... work!!!

* faints *

Ok, everybody look at your contacts list in your mobile.

Are you doing it?

Ok, now .. see me ... yep there in first spot (unless you have the number AA in there I guess), I am not the right person you wanted to send your message(s) to.

Please check before sending a text that you are sending it to the right person.

I know more about your life than you probably wanted me to.

Numpty.

:P

I found out today that my best friend from school is dead.

She died alone yesterday.

She was always the good girl. I was the bad one who was leading her astray.

I introduced her to alcohol. I introduced her to her first boyfriend. I introduced her to her first female kiss.

Wendy was a fantastic friend to me. Even when I was terrible.

We were at a party. I was drunk and as normal being the clown. I wanted Toby to see me. He couldn't. I guess I wasn't in the right 'in' crowd for him. I sure got his attention when I fell face first into his dates lap though.

Wendy peeled my drunk form from this happy couple and spent 2 hours washing my face with a cool cloth and telling me that it didn't matter about the guy she was talking to.

The guy she had waited 4 months to get up the nerve to talk to.

Wendy was my rock.

I never did her justice.

We drifted after school. Don't we all?

Please tell me we do.

Wendy was destined for success.

Wendy instead drank herself to death.

Here's to you my friend. Save me a seat on the kerb up there.

Well it has taken 3 weeks but I have finally bonded a little with C.

Living in the same house and feeling like you must always be formally polite is a pain in the ass.

To be fair though we have both been seperately busy since I moved in here and have literally passed in the hallway.

Tonight though by the chance of broken cars (hers) and too much wine to go anywhere (me) we are now sitting here watching crap t.v., drinking the aforementioned wine and laughing about the stupid quiz show that is on.

Not much but baby steps help.

M and I, however, have really bonded. She is a little ditzy and in all honesty messy as a fricken man (no offense) but aside from that her and I have found our footing.

Now ... it would all be ok if someone could figure out how to give me 'documents to go' for free. Bloody idiot me.

Oh guess what ... I actually washed my car today.

It will now rain tomorrow.

Can someone point me in the direction of (or provide me with) links to installation software for:

Samsung D900

Tungsten E2

I have new lappie and can't find bloody installation CD's for my phone and PDA.

* crosses fingers someone can/will help *

* flutters eyelashes *

Do I look like a delicate damsel in distress yet?