Did you also know, you miserable bastard, that banging your head against the wall uses 150 calories an hour?

Don't you need to burn some calories?

* runs quick *

... that a pigs orgasm last for 30 minutes !!!

Fookin 'ell.

If you are selling anything or your blog is in a foreign language (to me). It's not that I am a bitch (no comments from the peanut gallery) but I have no interest in buying a damn thing and I can barely speak English let alone anything else.

Ta ta.

Just wanted to say thanks for putting a picture of the East Tennessee mountains up on your blog.

My son is living outside Knoxville with his dad and every morning gets a glimpse of this mountain range on the way to school. You just made my day by randomly letting me see through my sons eyes for a second.

Disclaimer ... if you click on the link above and don't see any mountains ... blame FF cos he changes his headers more than most men from Leeds change their underwear.

Mitchell brother was highly entertaining. (Not even telling)

Didn't get any cartoon characters but I did get a good peek at the menu * gasp * and we are having dinner Thursday.

As most of you know I am doing this little writing thingymajig to hopefully shame the hell out of some cetain people (and make a leetle money too of course).

Anyway, on the advice of a certain purse string controlling hitler (i.e. agent) I have been taking part in a workshop malarky.

Of course it's not as if I am not snowed under with my current mortagage paying endevour (i.e. fucking work).

Anyway. Last weeks assignment was to write my worst fear in exactly 67 words. It had to tell a story (of sorts) and make sense.

Here was my effort :

When Your Worst Fear Is You

"Why am I here?"

Abi asked to herself as she looked around the room and frowned at the guy in the suit rocking back and forth.

"These people are losers. They have no control over themselves."

Then the shakes started again and she knew exactly why she was there.

She stood up slowly and quietly told the group,

"Hi, my name is Abi and I'm an alcoholic."

These just made me giggle ... 'specially the one in the #1 spot.

Top Ten Things to Say When Caught Sleeping at work
10.) "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

9.) "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."

8.) "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

7.) "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the Mission Statement and envisioning a new business strategy."

6.) "It's true what they say about all that harmful radiation that these monitors put out. My eyes started stinging and I got real dizzy."

5.) "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4.) "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."

3.) "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

2.) "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?"

AND THE NUMBER ONE BEST (and my personal fave)

1.) Just raise your head slowly and say, " .... in Jesus name, Amen."

Who has been shamelessly blooging like a crazy man/woman/beast knowing that Bloscars are coming up?

You shamless, pathetic people.

* kicks dirt with toe of boot *

Fookin work.

* grumble moan grumble *

Hmmmmm .... think I will run around Blogville and put virus's (how the heck do you pluralise that?) up everyone's noses so that I can steal all the awards even though I have been glaringly absent this month.

* halo slips as evil grin forms *

... that if you discount the marriages that were annulled or were illegal (due to bigamy) that Henry the VIII only had two wives?

How boring am I!!

I have a date tonight with a guy who talks like one of the Mitchell brothers!! Geezer !! lol.

Ok, here is the poem that I won the contest with.

It is a cinquain poem. The format has to be as follows:

2 syllables
4 syllables
6 syllables
8 syllables
2 syllables

Cinquain poems do not generally rhyme.

It takes a man to be my dad

Fuck You!
I hate you dad.
You call yourself a man?
Not one call in thirty four years.
Fuck You!

Firts time I have seen snow in 9 years !!!!!

Was out at 6am playing my the cat (Not that cat Nick).

Smudge has never seen snow either and was having a great time.

I actually think Smudge thinks he's a dog cos he was rolling snowballs back to me for me to throw again.

In other news:

I got my snake yesterday. I have named it Kaya.

I won a poetry contest.

Only one more week of this work nightmare and then I can get back to blogging my heart out while working. Yippee.

Cliches.

Help.

I need to compile as many cliches as possible for a project. I can't explain right now what for but I am imploring y'all to help me here.

Plus maybe one of you might know of a website that has oodles (love that word) of 'em.

* smooches *

... well, I was in the crazy dream I had last night.

I was trying so hard to find my way out of the underground but couldn't because I had no where to put my ticket ( not a word Nick ) so they wouldn't let me above ground as showing tickets in public was illegal and the fine would have been 4 years hard labor!!

I need more rest.

Is January nearly over?

In other news ....

I am going to rent my house out and move in with my brother. He has a three story house and due to him and slapper going their seperate ways he now has this huge house all to himself. So, I am going to be taking over the middle floor for the minimal fee of buying my own food and taking care of his cat when he is out of town. He told me to take some time to think about it but really, what is there to think about? Rent my house out and the mortgage still gets paid. Live pretty much rent free in a huge ass house. Have the monumentous fun of watching Smudge adjust to living with another cat.

Result.

Walking into the fire
I forgive you for my hell

Whose fault is it that we are in lock-down this time? Mine. Apparently it is not a good thing when you call the security captain "A total fucking waste of space". I don't regret my words based on the fact that he really is an asshole. However I am very well aware that I am quite possibly the most unpopular female amongst the inmates due to the entire block also getting put into lock-down.

I lay here on my bunk and I can hear the comments coming from the other cells. It's almost comical to me how quick the tide can turn in here. These voices are the same ones that earlier in the week were my 'best friends' when I was filling out my store call sheet. The same voices who thought I was 'good folk' for buying a television for the day room. Now suddenly they don't even know my name, the word 'bitch' is much better substitute.

Three days in lock-down will wear on you and you start counting the seconds until you hear the click of the cell doors which signify lock-down is over. For me, however, I know that the click of those doors could also signify an intense wave of hostility that I will have no choice but to deal with.

When faced with the inevitable I know that I will have two very clear choices to make. Walk away and ignore the comments, threats and confrontations. Thereby giving myself the label of weak and abusable. My other choice is to step forward and face the threats head on. Which as we all know is likely, due the number of snitches that I have the pleasure of residing with, to result in yet another lock-down.

I have no idea how I am going to handle this but at this point there is no need to even try and decide. I grab my photo envelope and slowly take myself out of this hell. Before coming in here I never really looked at all the details in a picture. I always saw the main object but now I see so much more. The grass that looks deliciously long, the sky so blue, that car in the background that I would kill to be able to be in right now. Pictures and books have become my escape. In them I am free.

Suddenly, with a feeling of despair in my gut, I hear that unmistakable sound of the doors being released. I calming with an almost serene slowness put my pictures away and safely place the envelope under my pillow. I jump down from my bunk and take a deep breath.

There is no point in waiting, I push my cell gate open and walk through it.

Quick.

Throw a blanket over me and stick a plant on top.

I'm a table. See.

Grrrrrrrr.

They can still see me.

Still bringing me work.

Still booking meetings for me.

Is there a way to legally kill your secretary for a temporary time (i.e. end of January)

Then on top of that my dad calls and asks if I would look at his self-assessment he just got back because he just can't understand why they want money from 2 years ago.

Sure dad let me fit it in while I'm taking a shower at midnight. Ok.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

* glug glug glug *

* hic *

* Big stretch and yawn *

Mornin' all.

How the hell does Castro not make it onto a top ten list as being one of the worlds worst dictators. Granted he is running with an elite crowd of assholes but fuckin 'ell, he deserves a place on that list. ( IMHO )

1938 Arthur Scargill was hatched.

1928 Thomas Hardy kicked a bucket.

Today is 'Hostas Day' in Puerti Rice. WTF ??

'The only free cheese is in the mousetrap' ~ Russian Proverb ( don't tell Nixie there is free cheese around )

In other news :~

The Da Vinci Code trial transcript finally released.

"You stole my book"

"No, I didn't"

"Yes, you did"

"Didn't"

"Did"

....... erm ... and so forth.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Abi Jones ( pathetic play on Bridget Jones )

Weight: Still 181 fucking pounds !!
Wine: Quite possibly a lot tonight.
Cigarettes: 1 so far today but the future is not looking bright.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

....my Kola Kubes just arrived. Yumfunckingtastic !!!

Well, have been at work for 5 hours already and needed a wee break.

I hardly slept at all last night.

I had the most disturbing dream.

No, I did not find myself in bed with Noel Edmunds.

In my dream I was sitting on the edge of the bed when suddenly I got up and walked away from myself. Yes, I meant to type it that way. I was sitting there when a shadowy version of myself got up and walked away. I tried to reach out and grab my hair to stop myself but I couldn't. I tried to call out to myself but no sound came out. I just sat there and watched as I walked away and went down the stairs.

I woke up so disorientated at about 2am and couldn't get back to sleep.

Not scary monsters or bad guys chasing me but still disturbed me just the same.

* need coffee *

That's all.

Nothing to see here.

Move along.

* Abi slowly releases death grip on clients throat *

Alright. Deleted my diet blog cos I have enough split personality problems as it is.

Tired of being overweight. I don't give a damn if you tell me ( those that have met me ) that I am ok. You're just being nice. Yes, I am tall so can get away with extra weight but I am NOT happy. I weigh more now than when I was 9 months pregnant.

So. Maybe shame will help me to get commited ( not to an institution ).

Also need to quit drinking so damn much and try my fucking hardest to quit sucking on those damn nicotine sticks.

Weight: 181 lbs ( too lazy to convert to stones but it's about 13 stone )
Alcohol: One glass of wine and two Tom Collins last night
Cigarettes: About 15 yesterday and already had 2 today * cough *

If I am not careful the only kind of man I will attract is this guy.

How to feel old. My 14 year old son, C, just sent me the following list and actually asked me tons of questions on what things were, people were etc ... I was able to answer ALL of his questions.

* off to get totally drunk now *

How many of these do you remember etc?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You were a true child of the eighties if...

You remember "Now" compilations that had the pig on the front cover.

You never questioned why the A-Team was always imprisoned in places that had sufficient tools to build an armoured tank.

Dungeons & Dragons was your favourite cartoon

Your lunch times were spent perfecting swan dives and backspins.

You've ever said "bright light, bright light" in a strange high-pitched voice.

You know the theme tune and the names of all the actors and characters in Dallas & Dynasty.

You ever wished your hair/clothes/lifestyle resembled the above (or they actually did!)

You fell out with friends during heated arguments about the relative merits of Matt & Luke.

You owned, or wanted a "Frankie says..." T-shirt.

You have ever danced (or even worse cried) to Kylie & Jason.

Cerise pink, electric blue and banana yellow have ever featured in your wardrobe or make-up collection.

You ever did the top toggle of your coat up around your neck without having your arms in the sleeves, and knew you looked like a super-hero.

You remember when the AHA video was the pinnacle of modern technology,and you can still sing all the words.

Parachuting Action man was your favourite toy.

(Girls) Your best party dress was either a ra-ra or puff-ball skirt.

(Boys) You ever owned a thin, black leather tie (and were proud of it), or worse it was patterned like a piano!

You wondered why a popular kids TV programme told you to "Turn off your TV set and go and do something less boring instead".

You wanted to be either Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys.

You have ever po-goed or space-hopped.

You remember when Keith Chegwin & Maggie Philbin were the hottest romantic couple... And when Keith was associated with Cheggers Plays Pop rather than Cheggers Drinks Alcopops.

You wondered why your walkie-talkie didn't have the same range as those in the Red Hand Gang.

You were shocked by the controversial plot lines in Degrassi Junior High.

You remember watching a house inhabited by a jester, a pantomime horse, and a woman who sneezed, and thinking that this was perfectly normal.

You know who Joey Deacon was.

You thought ABBA were cool, the first time round.

You tried to convince your Dad to fit a strip of red lights on the front of his Capri so it looked like KITT.

"Ca-vey Wa-vey!" means anything to you.

You've ever had more than 10 sweets in a 10p mix-up.

Not only did you wear luminous clothing, but they were mismatched finger-less gloves and towelling socks.

When Yoda said "There is another Skywalker"... you wished he was talking about you.

Wearing your hair like buns on the sides of your head seemed like a good fashion statement.

You remember when Betamax was at the cutting edge of technology.

You hid behind the sofa whenever you heard the word Exterminate.

Vimto or Dandelion & Burdoch ever featured in your diet.

You were really pleased when Pacman got a girlfriend.

You grew up believing that filing cabinets and telephone boxes possessed magical powers of transformation.

After ET, you wanted a Speak & Spell even though you were top of your class.

You remember when PC had one meaning, rather than three.

(Girls) You owned a pair of Pixie Boots, generally worn with leg warmers!

(Boys) You owned a pair of pale grey slip-ons, generally worn with white toweling socks!

Shiny grey flecked suits.

You grew up in Trumpton, Chigley or Camblewick Green.

You've rolled the sleeves of your suit jacket up.

Ooh, you could crush a Grape!

You've ever held a chicken in the air, or stuck a deckchair up your nose.

You went to school with Pogo Patterson, Gripper Stebson, and Ro-land.

Long scarves, K9, and a time-travelling police box ring any bells.

Giant Haystacks and Big Daddy have ever featured on your Saturday afternoon.

You wore legwarmers, tried to do the splits while jumping in the air, while singing you were going to live forever.

Finger mouse.

You were proud of your picture appearing in the Gallery, just before watching a lump of plasticine who couldn't speak English.

You fantasised about those girls from that Robert Palmer video.

You know all the words to Hey Mickey (well nobody knows past the first verse anyway.)

You remember Look In magazine, and when it was only 20p.

You can remember what Quatro tasted like.

Your best mate had a soda stream at home and you were jealous.

You were a true child of the eighties if...
You remember "Now" compilations that had the pig on the front cover.

You never questioned why the A-Team was always imprisoned in places that had sufficient tools to build an armoured tank.

Dungeons & Dragons was your favourite cartoon

Your lunch times were spent perfecting swan dives and backspins.

You've ever said "bright light, bright light" in a strange high-pitched voice.

You know the theme tune and the names of all the actors and characters in Dallas & Dynasty.

You ever wished your hair/clothes/lifestyle resembled the above (or they actually did!)

You fell out with friends during heated arguments about the relative merits of Matt & Luke.

You owned, or wanted a "Frankie says..." T-shirt.

You have ever danced (or even worse cried) to Kylie & Jason.

Cerise pink, electric blue and banana yellow have ever featured in your wardrobe or make-up collection.

You ever did the top toggle of your coat up around your neck without having your arms in the sleeves, and knew you looked like a super-hero.

You remember when the AHA video was the pinnacle of modern technology,and you can still sing all the words.

Parachuting Action man was your favourite toy.

(Girls) Your best party dress was either a ra-ra or puff-ball skirt.

(Boys) You ever owned a thin, black leather tie (and were proud of it), or worse it was patterned like a piano!

You wondered why a popular kids TV programme told you to "Turn off your TV set and go and do something less boring instead".

You wanted to be either Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys.

You have ever po-goed or space-hopped.

You remember when Keith Chegwin & Maggie Philbin were the hottest romantic couple... And when Keith was associated with Cheggers Plays Pop rather than Cheggers Drinks Alcopops.

You wondered why your walkie-talkie didn't have the same range as those in the Red Hand Gang.

You were shocked by the controversial plot lines in Degrassi Junior High.

You remember watching a house inhabited by a jester, a pantomime horse, and a woman who sneezed, and thinking that this was perfectly normal.

You know who Joey Deacon was.

You thought ABBA were cool, the first time round.

You tried to convince your Dad to fit a strip of red lights on the front of his Capri so it looked like KITT.

"Ca-vey Wa-vey!" means anything to you.

You've ever had more than 10 sweets in a 10p mix-up.

Not only did you wear luminous clothing, but they were mismatched finger-less gloves and towelling socks.

When Yoda said "There is another Skywalker"... you wished he was talking about you.

Wearing your hair like buns on the sides of your head seemed like a good fashion statement.

You remember when Betamax was at the cutting edge of technology.

You hid behind the sofa whenever you heard the word Exterminate.

Vimto or Dandelion & Burdoch ever featured in your diet.

You were really pleased when Pacman got a girlfriend.

You grew up believing that filing cabinets and telephone boxes possessed magical powers of transformation.

After ET, you wanted a Speak & Spell even though you were top of your class.

You remember when PC had one meaning, rather than three.

(Girls) You owned a pair of Pixie Boots, generally worn with leg warmers!

(Boys) You owned a pair of pale grey slip-ons, generally worn with white toweling socks!

Shiny grey flecked suits.

You grew up in Trumpton, Chigley or Camblewick Green.

You've rolled the sleeves of your suit jacket up.

Ooh, you could crush a Grape!

You've ever held a chicken in the air, or stuck a deckchair up your nose.

You went to school with Pogo Patterson, Gripper Stebson, and Ro-land.

Long scarves, K9, and a time-travelling police box ring any bells.

Giant Haystacks and Big Daddy have ever featured on your Saturday afternoon.

You wore legwarmers, tried to do the splits while jumping in the air, while singing you were going to live forever.

Finger mouse.

You were proud of your picture appearing in the Gallery, just before watching a lump of plasticine who couldn't speak English.

You fantasised about those girls from that Robert Palmer video.

You know all the words to Hey Mickey (well nobody knows past the first verse anyway.)

You remember Look In magazine, and when it was only 20p.

You can remember what Quatro tasted like.

Your best mate had a soda stream at home and you were jealous.

... I am going to wander up and down the hallways of hell until I find Alexander Graham Bell.

Then I am going to kick his ass for his invention.

Then I am going to come back and haunt my secretary for eternity for continuing to put people through to me even when I have asked her, told her, threatened her to take fucking messages.

* breath *

Well, have been here at work since 5.45am and have decided to stop for breakfast.

I hate eating in the morning but if I don't eat something now I will attack the sandwich lady at lunchtime like a ravenous lion. So it's all in the interest of her safety that I am about to dive into the most ginormous ( Ji-Nor-Mus hey, it's a word in my world ) bowl of crunchy nuts.

So, I was reading over on Door15's blog about his dating prejudices and it really got me to thinking. I am admittedly a little picky ( believe it or not ) about the kind of people that I will have a relationship with. Now I know most of us are to a certain degree but I just wonder if I am TOO picky. I won't date a guy who is shorter than me, dresses like an idiot, doesn't have a job, laughs too loud, talks too much, doesn't talk enough, is too 'in touch with his feminine side', doesn't read/watch the news, has smaller hands than me, and I could go on but it really, really gets worse. It's no wonder that I get rid of a guy by date 3. To be fair though I was justified in getting rid of bartender guy. Personal hygiene is a fucking given.

Something else occured to me just now. Why do people in life hide behind disguises. Don't pretend to be someone else. Be who you are. Be true to what you are. When you start hiding and trying to be something else you lose so much integrity.

My final thought ( like a fucking Jerry Springer show ) is that when I was watching mind numbing television last night (which I am entitled to do right now when not working as it requires no thinking) I happened across Celebrity Big Brother. The only ones I knew of/remembered are Jermaine Jackson, Dirk Benedict, Leo Sayer and Ken Russell ( which I think just shows my damned age). Anyway, this guy 'H' from some group Steps ... did anyone else think he looks like Juzzzy???? I am starting to get scared that I may have an obsession with Juzzzy because that's becoming a habit ... seeing his likeness in others ... first Pete Burns now 'H'.

Gonna eat my crunchy nuts now

I have been taking a look at lots of blogs to make sure I don't miss out on a potentially amazingly deserving person of Pads newly added award to the bloscars.

In making this trek around Blogville I have come to a very startling conclusion.

My blog is fucking boring in appearance.

Seriously.

So I am going to redecorate. I guess I have to wait until after the Bloscars so it does not apppear like I am trying for best prettied up blog ( or whatever the title is ).

I also think the whip cat is gonna go for a while. What do y'all think? I like the picture of a BDSM collar.

Hmmmmm .....

Thoughts.

Are you guys happy with how your blog looks, hate it or don't really give a fuck?

Seeing as how I promised Nixie and she is feeling a leeeetle poorly today.

Do y'all remamber last week when I had a day with a rather tender head? The day where I was feeling a wee bit wobbly?

No? Well go HERE to catch up. Then come back and find out what was in the letter than made me get totally wankered.

I'll wait.

* tap ... tap ... tap ... tap *

Oh fek, can't wait that long.

Sooooooooooo ..................

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I stopped at home and grabbed my mail and then headed to my local village pub to unwind, have a quiet drink and read my mail and the newspaper.

I start sorting through the pile of stooopid advertising mail and bills to see an envelope that makes my heart stop.

It is from Fucked Up County USA Sheriffs office. ( who run the jail )

My hand is shaking. That place made my life hell and still haunts my sleeping hours.

What do they want with me?

I feel like throwing up.

I steady my nerves with a hastily gulped glass of wine.

I open the envelope and cautiously unfold the letter.

OMFG !!!!!!

I am holding a letter that is from Sheriff Fuck Up himself apologising for certain things that happened and the actions of his staff at Fucked Up Jail ( what about your lack of action you bastard ). He mentions how it was brought to his attention that I may be 'thinking' ( bit late aren't ya buddy ) of writing a detailed account of my time in his 'care'. Would I be so kind as to accept his apology and run anything by him for approval that I may be intending on including.

OMFG !!!!!!

Do you guys have any, I mean ANY, idea how that letter made me feel.

Total validation.

Fuck you Sheriff Fuck Up.

Do you really think your cowardly apology means a thing to me except for victory?

I will become a born again virgin tortoise farmer before I get your approval on a damn thing I write.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So that my fellows Bloggees is why I got rip roaring drunk last week, knocked over a table, played pool with some drunk girl and paid equal to my mortgage in a bar bill.

It's all swings and roundabouts in the world of Abi.

Ok, this has just made me laugh so loud I snorted tea out of my nose.

I think we should do this as a honor based contest.

Between now and Friday how many of these can you do?

Maybe post on here to say you did one of them and then post about it and the reactions of those around you on your blog.

Hell, forward it around your office ( cos everyone lurves forwards ) and claim their points too.

ONE-POINT DARE

1. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

5. While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

6. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.

THREE-POINT DARES

1. Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

4. Every time you get an email, shout ''email''.

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for the week. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle". Then wink and pout.

7 . Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any pornography web sites.

FIVE-POINT DARES

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave".

4. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

5. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

6. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.

7. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

9. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

10. Dry h*mp the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, "I'll see you tonight".

My dear fellow reprobates I am so glad to be here today.

Oh yes you read that right. No griping about it being a dreary monday. No bitching about incompetent clients and workers. I am going to hug anyone that gets within 4 feet of my office.

Wanna know why?

Oh shurrup cos I'm gonna tell ya anyway.

Saturday night I had one or three bottles of wine. (there's a suprise)

Fall gracelessy in to bed (alone I might point out) at about 2am after drunkenly watching Jane Ayre.

Dreaming what I am sure are disturbing, therapy worthy dreams.

Suddenly in my dream I am getting attacked by someone with needles for fingers. Ouch it hurts. Get off me.

I slowly start to wake up to realise I have one rather hysterical cat attached to my face!!

The shrieking noise is something that just cannot be adequately described here but I do think they heard it at the space station.

After carefully removing Smudge from my face and trying to push him off the bed he then attaches himself to my chest and will NOT get off.

Then I start to realise something is not right. Can't put my finger on it.

That smell.

What is that smell.

OH FUCKING HELL

I know that smell.

GAS !!!!

I grab my mobile phone from the bedside, hug Smudge tight, try to get the bathrobe on ( not easy when the cat won't let go ) and haul my ass down the stairs and out the door.

Fuck it was cold and wet at 4.30am but I could not have been happier.

My normal morning routine is to wake up, stumble to the kettle, flip the on switch and then light a cigarette !!!

I shudder to think of how that cigarette would have woken me and the rest of this county up.

My cat deserves a medal!!!

You decide.

Ok. Bloggeroos.

I figured with such an eclectic group on here that this would be a good place to come for some thoughts, comments and advice.

I am planning on setting somone up in business. I want to know the best but reasonabley priced way to go about having a website designed, marketed and hosted for me.

Thoughts?

Does anyone know if our talented Mr AJ does this kind of thing?

Morning all.

Finally at the end ... of this hellish week anyway.

Anyone got big plans?

To do List

Never wear this blouse to work again.

Remove the 'welcome' sign that is apparently in my cleavage.

Try not to slap one of the partners who just tweaked my blouse open to tell me "niiiiiice"

Call vet and see if I can get a two for one castration deal when I take Smudge in next week.