Well ... I'm alive and more importantly so is my ex husband.

Thanks for all the emails and text messages checking on me. You guys are stars.

I just do not feel like this toady.

I may feel more inclined later but to be honest I don't even feel like blogging ( my normal 'get through the day activity') today.

I had a really crappy phone call this morning from my son, C. Most of you may know he is 14 and is currently living with his dad in the States. Grass being greener and all that. Well, the only thing that has truely kept me going is the knowledge that C will be here for christmas. His dad though being the super cool fucking dad that he is has booked a ski holiday and casually ( my ass ) let C know he is welcome to go skiing and t ake some friends along too. What fucking 14 year old is gonna turn that down. I am heartbroken. This christmas was really important to me considering where I was this time last year. I have fingernail marks in my thigh as I had to prevent myself crying because I am NOT going to emotionally blackmail C. I am so incredibly fucking bollockingly depressed right now. Fuck it.

Christmas is well and truely cancelled.

Alrighty then ......

This Friday I shall be turning up the music, dimming the lights and greasing the pole.

Nominate your favorite fellow blogger for their turn on the stage.

I shall tally all votes and announce winner tomorrow night.

p.s. Only one vote per post ... lol

EDIT: Votes so far ( updated as time allows )

Molty : 2
Fatey : 2
Abi : 3 ( WILL NOT HAPPEN !! )
Graeme: 1
Charlie: 1
Morelearning: 1

My first...

1. Crush? Mr Muir my gym teacher * smiles at the memory of his ass *

2. Kiss? A boy whose nickname was Psycho on the Isle of Man

3. Person you said "I love you" to? Steve S.

4. Address? Hospital!!

5. Job? Fast food shop at age 14. Ughhh

6. Car? MG BGT.

7. Record? Do you mean first one I paid for and didn't steal from my brother. It was called Breathe ...can't remember the name of the band though.

8. Movie? Jaws 3D and Grisly Admams ( It was a double feature )

9. Alcoholic drink? Barcardi slurped out of left over glasses the morning after a family party. Age 5.

10. Foreign holiday? Berlin before the wall came down.

I just got real nerdy and peeked at my stats for this month so far and I got an obscene amount of views ( well my blog not me ) on the day that I made Juzzzy take off his clothes !!!!

You damned perverts !!!!!

p.s. I think for Friday I may have my next victim stirpper guest already decided upon.

Are you living?

or

Are you existing?

Fuckity fuck bollocks.

I just had 7 tax returns returned to me .....

Why?

Cos I signed 'em "Abilene" !!!!!

It's gonna be a good day .... I can tell.

Bollocks.

Well, after todays "Age of Death" frenzy it seems I am guaranteed two things.

1) You lot will still be alive when I die so maybe there will actually be a few people at the funeral making sure I am dead.

2) Juzzzy will no doubt be running the bar at the wake.

The bad mood that is.

* dances around the room and hugs everyone, even the grouch in the corner, and hands out free chocolate and cheesecake to all *

Ever wake up in a bad mood and have no logical explanation?

I have already snapped at two people this moring here at the office. The tea tastes like dishwater.

I

Don't

Want

To

Be

Awake

Ok, going in search of tea, coffee or anything else liquid.

This nerd is of to bed ....

...oh purleeese, like y'all didn't already know that I am a nerd !!

FUCKING HILARIOUS !!!!

Monday that is.

Four more to go.

Can't be bothered to cook.

Think I'll curl up on the couch.

Zzzzzzzzzzz

Go Andy !!!

I blogged this song over the weekend but for some reason I still can't get rid of the feeling that I had when I chucked this one out there.

p.s. Turn your speakers down a little if you are at work

I am fucking bored as I have now done 6 out of 8 of my to-do list. I don't have that many tags ( unlike others !!! ) so this won't take long.

Allergic to undergarments ~ not really allergic just like to save time
American ~ Doh !!
Amzing accent ( hey thats not how you spell !! ) ~ Erm .. ok
Can you put down those binoculars please ~ Nope ... I like stalking
Cats ~ er ok
Gotta love that pussy ~ Hmmm no prizes for guessing who did that one
Happily single ~ hmmmmm I am?
Hates idiots ~ Yep, I do
Honest ~ I try
Horses ~ ???
I want to take her home to meet my mother ~ I would LOVE to know who did this one
In lust!!! ~ ???
Jesus loves you ~ ok
Loves cheesecake ~ Fuck yes.
Loves Geckos ~ I have NEVER even met a gecko!!
Mmmeeeowww ~ * crack *
Music ~ ???
My favourite stalker ~ Love ya Sixey
Politics ~ No comment
Racey redneck ~ Awww come back Nic.
Saucepot ~ yes Ma'am
Sex ~ erm ... ok
Whip cracking minx ~ * crack *
Whore ~ ahhhh I am so flattered ( fuckwit )
Wine ~ Yes please

Ok ... following an idea in Nixies blog. Here is my to-do list for today.

EDIT

1. CT600's and Accounts to HMRC x 27 ( yes twenty fucking seven !!! ) DONE
2. Bound accts to clients x 6 DONE

3. Wonder why the fuck I chose this career path. DONE

4. Tea, coffee, vodka .. whatever is available. DONE

5. Client briefing ( yawn ... client has bouble barreled name and triple barreled boredom )

6. Blog ( doh ) DONE

7. Figure out how to detach emotions. ( see sat night and sunday blogs )

8. Curl up under desk and make paper airplanes. DONE Pictures to come later of my Hoff plane !!

Here is the perfect 'leave work early' idea.

Maybe my Monday will not such a bad day afterall ~ it could be worse.

True idiots ....

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

.... go to work today!!

* falls to floor and pounds fists in a frenzy *

Never try to multi-socialise in one day.

I have met with three different people today and each meeting has revolved around food. I could not be rude and say no as that would lead to telling why. So in the interest of seemingly good manners I ate at each meeting.

I am so stuffed right now that I am actually hurting. I am seriously considering throwing up.

I have literally eaten more today than I would normally eat in a 3 or 4 day span.

Ughhhh ..... thats it. No news of interest from the cat cave today.

Bye.

Sorry couldn't resist ... I love this one!!! Look at the whip !!

So ... my day was rather pleasant.

Decided to walk to my moms ( not too far !! )

Had a nice phone conversation with a friend.

Decided upon advice to go buy a paper and sit in the village pub to read it.

The only, and I mean ONLY newspaper left in the village shop was a copy of The Sun. So decided since I haven't read that paper yet ... why not.

Get in pub with it tucked up my arm, order a diet coke. ( I promise )

Opened the paper and by about page 7 decided it might be better used in Smudges litter tray.

Ended up playing cribage with a nice gentleman of indetermined age ( circa 1920's ). He kicked my ass and told great stories.

Strolled back home, bought a bottle of wine on the way ( sorry, it's gotta be done ... hey I made it a week though )

Had a nice fish dinner followed by the ever present cheesecake.

About to open the aforementioned wine and enjoy my own company.

You? What did you do today?

Do you ever feel like you head is in a vice and someone is turing the handle ever so slowly? Don't roll your eyes, this is not one of those posts, I just need to clear some cobwebs.

Work is getting increasingly stressful, I am good at what I do and most times love what I do but I just don't think it's what I want to do for the rest of my life. Ughhhhh "what a waste of an education" I can hear my mom saying.

I have that thing in my head that I am trying to get down on paper and it's not coming out right. The way it's coming out right now I wouldn't read it so why should you? Maybe I am being too self-critical, I don't know. Who wants to hear about some of things that I went through/saw/heard blah blah in that fucking situation afterall. Yet, I feel like I am going to explode trying to get all of it out of my head.

Do you all remember when I finally managed to finally get wonderfully laid a little while back? Well, now I just feel awful because even though I was very clear and didn't pretend that I wanted a relationship with him when he left the country again, now I don't even know that I want a friendship with him!! I have become like every guy I've ever hated and that does not feel good.

Here's the final proverbial straw. I have an ex ( don't we all ) that is the one. You know the one I mean, the one you always have in the back of your mind wondering 'what if' and the one you think of when you hear certain songs, see certain movies, smell certain smells. Well, Alex, is an ex that I was with for four years and it ended about 3 years ago ( right before the Bobby drama began ). We have stayed in touch over the years. He's heard about my pain, I've heard about his. We have talked on the phone more increasingly over the last months due to him now being overseas ( no, I don't purposely go for guys with lots of distance - it just works out like that ). Well, he informed me last night during a wonderful two hour phone call (!!!) that he is being flown back for one week at the begining of November and wants to see me. This man makes electric go through me. We are amazing together but ....and there's always a 'but' with me .... I love the whirlwind he always pputs me in but I am scared that I will get caught up in it again and not know how to stop it without it being a disaster. Then if I decide to tell him that it wouldn't be a good idea, which my clearheaded side tells me is the right thing to do, will I lose his friendship?

So the short version is ... I will end up jobless, no book and alone !!! Will I be happy that way?

FFS. Stop typing Abi ... you're putting Blogville to sleep. Anyway, whoever is turning that handle ... QUIT ... my head hurts!!!

..... why does it evade me?

... these are a couple of the stages of dear Juzzzys beautiful (?) strip earlier today.

Dancing a rendition out of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video

and living out some strange sexual fantasy.

Tra la la ....

Here I am ( again ) on Friday. Not drinking, not cussing ( dear Lord help everyone around me ) and not going to the cottage by the beach

So ... deal or No Deal it is for me then.

You know .. with me what you see is what you get.

Except that in the real everyday world I do NOT cuss like I do on here. It is amazing the steam I let off in here without you guys knowing even knowing it

So .. I am challenging myself to 24 hours of no cussing. That combined with my no drinking bet should make this a fu ... jolly great weekend.

Run ... run now, while you still can!!!

If your phone rings in the next 45 minutes and you hear the 'angelic' (?) American tones of my voice ... do NOT be fucking rude and hang up thinking I am selling you a damn thing. I am helping out the little location marketing girl who is in a big tizzy right now ... she needs to know postcodes for a zillion damned addresses and also managers names (? why ..) and I am feeling bad that she will be here all damned night if she can't get some help so after roping the auditing department in I thought 'hmmm ... do as you preach Abi' ... well, I have had two hang ups, one name call and one burp (?) .... be fucking nice to me ... all I am doing is wanting to send you information on a FREE eat all you want fucking seminar!!!

Bastards ... I will NEVER be rude to a telemarkerter again ( well, I might be )

We raised :

"Its my party" from Sixey
Gum and $3.65 from Flickers
10p from Sussie
Umbrella from Faffa
Humiliation from Abilene.

Thanks for joining in the fun ... now if you will excuse me I am off over to Charlies to KILL him !!!!

Goodmorning ladies, gents and you in the back. Today is the day !!! The great, wonderful and sometimes sober Juzzzy will be doing a little strip throughout the day. Also you might be pleased to see that he is joined by a certain famous parrot.

So far in the donation tin I have music from Sixey, used chewing gum and loose change form Flickers ... anyone else wanna throw something in to try and get the first item thrown in the crowd?

Edit: 9.46am ~ The shirt comes flying off and ... oh no .... poor Charlie ... erm ... the fake chest hair t hat came off with it is now stuck to the side of Charlies face !! Oh and there goes Kay with the shirt ... running like a mad woman!!

Edit: 10.48am ~ Wooohoooooo ...watch out people there go the trousers. Flying and twirling, over the head ... and awayyyyy. Oi !! Dolly ... Stop laughing ... he does NOT look like a chicken.

Edit: 11.41am ~ I feel some dancing coming on ....... oh no ...... arghhhh ..... yep ... definaitley dancing ... horse gets slung to one side momentarily !!!!

Edit: 12.03pm ~ Uh oh ... he's loosened up ... bring on the slick 'pick up women' dancing !!!

Edit: 12.21pm ~ Oh crap .. now he's lost it ... knocks circus midget ( where the hell did he come from? ) off his unicycle and careens around dance floor !!!!

Edit: 12.32pm Oi!! Who gave him a fucking hula hoop? Well, his ass is gonna get tired cos he can spin that thing while I am at lunch !!! lmao

Edit: 12.57pm ~ I feel my final pice of revenge poetic licence coming up !!!!!! .... get ready ... it will ensure that Juzzzy does not talk to me for quite some time All will be revealed at 1.15pm

Edit: 1.07pm Wait for it ..wait for it .... only 8 more minutes to go to the finale !!

Edit: 1.15pm

Ladies, gents, homeless bums and chickens ... I now present you with the new and subservient Juzzzy ...................

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free.

Here's an update for you:

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage.

WHY?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

I got flowers !! I got flowers !! I got flowers !!

( along with a stupid little card saying sorry blah blah blah )

never mind that though ....

I got flowers !!!!

Why oh why can't I find a man who really knows me to apologise cos then it woulda been chocolate or clothes and not something that will die because I wont take care of them as he was a fuckwit in a couple of days.

If you could chose what you got as a surprise (?) what would it be? ( yeah, I know thats a contradiction just shurrup and play along )

Well, I woke up this morning thinking "I am going to kill Smudge". My bed was wet!! I thought he had pee'd on me!!

No ... I left the window open last night as I love fresh air even when it's cold. Well at stupid o'clock this morningit didn't just rain there was a fucking monsoon and it all came in my damn window!!!

Had to laugh though cos Smudge was sitting on the dry side of the bed glaring at me!!!

p.s. How do you put a link to something in your post ?

I hereby declare the collection tin open for donations in the 'Get Juzzzy to Strip' campaign.

Please remember to throw things in that Juzzy is in need of, wants or that you just don't want anymore ( food, wine, vodka and pocket fluff accepted )

I am doing this because Juzzy is a fuckwit and I had to create his Meez account therefore I have the password I am such a good friend.

The big 'Strip Off' will commence on Friday morning.

* hides under the coffee table *