The anger that is.

I want to pull my ex out of the ground and shake him.

I don't want to be angry yet it is there constanty.

Hate, pure hate.

Boco ( can't call him Smudge as that was my cats name and I didn't want to mess up and put him outside to poo ) is bloody gorgeous.

Peanut butter chinese is fab ... I have stopped swelling now thanks.

Snorting with laughter over my paper date choices.

Bad train track engineering with TAF is something not be missed.

What's all that about?

Medicine I tell ya ... bloody good medicine.

Thanks xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

However he was .. ahem .. slim, bespectacled, from Liverpool, drinking Guiness and praising Thailand.

Although when I did an identity check by asking him his thoughts on Shakespear the truth was revealed.

Juzzy's Thai twin.

Really.

I never knew that I would fall in love with being a nobody.

Sitting here in a coffee shop in the Holborn area of the city and I feel so light.

Can't really explain it but people diving for the seat on the subway before I could dare put my 'caught in the rain' body into it felt great. Having people barge past me as the escalator climbed it's way out of hell was wonderful.

Yep. Being a nobody is an alright thing I do declare. Sure beats people who wouldn't give you the time of day 4 months ago now clucking around like lactating hens. Oh shurrup, I am aware hens don't lactate. I think.

Now. Why am I in this smokey haze known as London? My first big meeting since coming back.

Thank fuck for Valium.

If I make it through today then I will have managed a full work week finally.

Everyone has been great .. if just a little annoying with all the sympathetic looks.

It is rather sweet how ever morning there has been a cup of tea on my desk waiting for me ... should I be concerned that they are watching out the window for me each day??

I am working on convincing them that biscuits with the tea is the way to go.

Seriously though ... it has been a tough week and I am exhausted.

I have this shiny Samsung YP-P2. I bought it because my music was taking too much space on my laptop. It also hold zillions of pictures as well. So thinking I would save a wee bit more space on my laptop I put all my pictures on it too.

Can you see where I am going with this?

I have since realised that I cannot transfer anything off the above named shiny thing to a computer should I want to.

I feel physically sick knowing that all my pictures of Cody are on this shiny thing and if I ever want a new shiny thing I will NOT be able to move the pictures. Even worse - what if it gets stolen, broken or thrown against the wall?

Yes, I know, I know ... I should not have deleted the pics/music off the laptop before chekcing things out ... no letures. Please.

Help.

Please.

Strolling back in time through my blog to get even mere snippets of Cody I found this from a year ago.

ASBO Girls

I just snorted tea.

Wonder what the two ASBO girls are doing now and why can't I have that moment back?

Don't start avoiding my blog ... I am not getting all maudlin, well I'll try not (maudlin - is that the right word) ... just sharing.

Oh summat else I found while backtracking ... did we ever figure out if there is a 'Speed of Smell'?

I also hate that due to the hijack my blog suffered last year (no names mentioned ) I no longer have the comments on any of my posts pre October-ish last year. Makes me look like a right Billy-no-mates.

Hang on ... am I?

Sniff.

Like any self-respecting lunatic I sat in the middle of my driveway laughing like Benny Hill on Crack at 6.45 this morning.

Why?

That's just it ...... I don't fucking know.

Padded room and crayons here I come.

In other news I got a package with pictures that warmed my heart, a letter that blurred my vision (you have the scrawl of a doctor) and a book that touched a nerve (ya Strumpet).

Going to a group session tomorrow ..... wanna take bets how long I last before leaving?

Fuck ..... That's a long post for me.

x

How is everyone?

Is it easier?

Not really.

Am I still breathing?

Not really.

Have I offended my entire family?

Completely.

Do I care?

Not really.

Not sure what to say.

I did not mean to make everyone sad.

I am doing that quite fine by myself.

Thank you, everyone, for your words.

I will keep taking one step at a time. No, I do not see how time will ever heal this complete physical pain I feel. It feels like I got that phone call three minutes ago and I know that it always will. As I just said to someone in email, I know that I will go on. Not that I have anything left to live for but because I just can't bear the thought that maybe the whole seeing your loved ones when you die theory is all a horrible mistake. At least while I still breathe I can look at pictures but if I died it might just be nothingness.

Sorry. I will try to make better sense later.

Sorry that I am unable to pick up the phone. I just can't right now.

Not sure how to start this.

Can't be bothered to be all tip toe-y and delicate about it.

For once I seem to have a half-way decent recent for ignoring everything.

On February 10th my son, Cody, was killed by a drunk driver along with his dad, my ex-husband.

I went back to work yesterday after being off for over a month.

I have ignored emails, texts and phone calls.

I have ignored everything and everyone.

Then I got to work and among the four zillion backed up emails and calender reminders was a reminder to send food to Sixey and Parsley. Remember we did the baby parcel and in it was the food idea of Cody's.

So, Sixey, if you are reading this ... I am sorry.

Now ... one foot in front of the other, breathe in and breathe out.

Life really does go on, unfortunately.

Sitting waiting for a plane. Not just any plane but the one I have a ticket for thank you very much Mr Security man. Wave that scanner over me again.

So, thought I would answer a question I had put to me by a fellow blogger.

"Abi you have been quiet for a few months and then come back right before Bloscars. Coincidence?"

Twat. I am not even voting so as to not be biased. Which I think I would tend towards as I have not read any new blogs lately so would likely vote for the old crowd (no offence meant).

* stomps foot * Anyway, my category is not included this year. No, I am not talking about the ' Jilbird whip loving masochist' one.

Oh, da plane da plane.

Little quote on my calender today.

"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."

* Yawnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn *

Anyone else feeling that?

Excuse me while I lay my head down on the keyboard now for a nap.

ifvyfvyfvyfvyfvyfvyfvyfvyfvyfvyfvyfvyfvyfvyfvyfvyfvyryyyyyyyyyyyy

You are at the side of the road using your phone.

You need to pee.

Nearest service area is 43 miles.

It's daylight.

There are no trees, bushes or midgets in close walking distance.

Do you speed like crack whore on rollerskates?

Do you brazenly pee at the side of the road causing a distraction to passing Lituanian truck drivers?

or ......

Do you do what I did?

What did I do?

"The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person." Vi Putnam

So does that mean if I am needed by more than one person then my maths is wrong?

Yep, I had a great weekend.

Went to Oxford .. saw some idiot up a tree protesting and remembered why I don't miss being a student.

Had great conversation on a squishy sofa that threatened not to release me.

Legal dilema at the side of the A4.

Morning all

* mwah *

Hope you have a fantastic day.

* mwah *

You are faced with the the following three options.

1) Finish your lunch at a leisurely pace as you know that the office is under control and you deserve a nice relaxed lunch break.

2) Finish your lunch at a leisurely pace as you know that the office is under control so it also wouldn't hurt to maybe order a bottle of wine and you deserve a nice relaxed lunch break.

3) Finish your lunch at a leisurely pace as you know that the office is under control so it also wouldn't hurt to maybe order a bottle of wine. In fact why not have a few shots of vodka with that while you wait for the wine to be chilled as red wine really does taste better with a little chill to it and you deserve a nice relaxed lunch break.

Is it really hard to make a bloody choice?

Apparently it is. When the vodka was placed in front of me I changed my mind and gave it to the woman at the table next to me. Hopefully it will help her to smile ... although the four inches of make-up may have been a contributing factor.

So here I am at work with a now warming back up to room temperature bottle of wine in my desk (well, I sure as hell wasn't giving that to the ice queen) wondering when the change happened?

Last time I looked I was a functioning yet rebellious adult.

Now I have just become an adult.

How bloody boring.

I shall rectify this. By God, I shall.

What would you have done? (sleeping with the woman at the next table was NOT an option)

It's soooo true.

You are ALL my witnesses.

I knew my patience would pay off.

* folds arms in a smug type manner *

Anyone near Edinburgh on the 25th of this month or near Bristol next month?

Mental note (and possibly my only resolution for 2008) :

Don't leave vibrator on side of bathroom sink after cleaning it.

Housemates tend to get a wee bit freaked out.

I think it might be the color that scared them.

Blue if you remember.

I couldn't stop myself.

I tried so hard, God knows I tried.

After a daily abuse for many months, years even I managed to stay on the wagon for 3 months.

What happened? I was doing so well.

So, here I am ... hanging my head in shame.

I think I should go to a meeting.

Maybe sit with fellow addicts.

Utter those shameful but first step to recovery words.

.

.

.

.

"Hi my name is Abi and I ...... blog from work"

R,

Thank you for your words.

Thank you for your advice (which was followed almost to the letter).

Thank you for your silent support.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

My ever evolving world is such an adventure and to know that I have people like you silently in the back ground willing to offer their hand of support, albeit in words, makes me feel so very lucky.

I made my choice. Not there but in that direction.

I can now go no other way. Of that there is no doubt.

Thank you.

You decide ...................

I did didn't I?

* cough *

All shall be revealed as soon as I flip a coin.

I am thinking of moving to Sweden.

The tree is up and looking oh so pretty.

Not at my house of course

The lights bring a warmth to my heart.

No, they are NOT on fire

Oh look, how cute.

My mother has put all these different size gift bags under the tree.

Hmmm, names on them. DO I look?

Is the pope catholic?

Hmmmm, maybe there's money of the paper kind inside cos none are heavy nor making noise when I gently shake 'em.

* cough *

"Don't bother hun, they're empty" says my ever pessimistic dad.

"Why?" I question with my crestfallen face.

"Cos they're all bloody empty ... they're from last year"

"Eh"

"Your batty mother thought it would look cute. 'Decorations' she said"

So, there you have it.

My mother has lost the fucking plot.

Nursing home vacancies anyone?

I live with them both.

A very fat pigeon is in the garden ... looks like a bloody turkey!

My MP3 won't hold a charge.

My hair it seems is now the same color as some bartender from Coronation Street (why do random people in shops feel the need to share).

I am having sex on December 7th. Apparently.

These are all things I have discovered today.

2 hours and 8 minutes to go.

With Paddy.

Of course if he ever goes straight then it's over as half the charm is knowing he won't be trying to 'cop a feel'.

I got the sweetest (albeit rambling) letter yesterday morning.

So last night I laid in bed before drifting away to sleepyland and thought of Paddy. (Well, I wrote him a bloody letter anyway)

Anyone else wanna send me somthing to make me smile?

Anyway, I am off work today.

Shock horror.

I am doing something at 2.05pm that I need you to all keep your fingers crossed for me for.

No, it's not an interview so no speculating there.

x

...... singing worse than Fatey.

How many of you just asked "What was the question?"

Another trip to Leeds. Another packed train.

No my new job is not customer service for National Rail.

Although I think I would be a wonderfully compassionate ambassador for train travel in this sunny country.

What? I so would.

Anyway, back to my point.

If the sign says ' quiet carriage ' does that mean that I can to ' quietly ' smack the guy who keeps glaring at me?

£1.37 and some belly button fluff to the person who can guess why he is glaring at me.

Seems that you guys can survive without me after all. If your blogs are anything to go by anyway.

Now.

Yes I found wine.

Yes I relieved the boredom.

Yes I am still sexless. Well actually I am a sex. I am just without.

Oh bugger me that all sounds wrong.

And no, I am not offering a buggering.

Oh goodness. Take the wine away.

However back to sex. I shall be rectifying that in a few weeks. Remember the guy from abroad who I was getting to see every few months? He will be in the UK next month and I have informed him that I require use of his body for about 5 hours.

Oh and guess who now lives in London and not Leeds.

Yep, I sent toothbrush boy a text whenI was up there last week. I know, I know ... don't laugh. Imagine my shock when he texts back that he lives in London now. Arghhhhhh .... little too close.

Oh sorry to any and all who got stupid blank texts from a strange number today.

So I need to at least fix 2 out of 3.

Oh yes .... wild child that I am I shall be going grocery shopping.

Oh new phone number so some of you should be expecting a text with new number (as so as I can figure out this damn phone)

I promise to catch up on what y'all have been up to over the next couple of days too.

x

Is that a song title? Sounds like one.

Anyway. Off to Leeds after a rather interesting taxi trip from Paddington to Euston. Don't ask.

Taxi driver was worthy of a second look. Oops, sorry did I show too much cleavage when gathering my bits?

I have a really annoying group of four in front of me. Obviously tourists.

Yeah, cos I blend.

Anyway. A long four hours ahead.

Make sure I don't forget to change at Manchester.

Now let me clear summat up.

I did not just fall out of an inbred Jerry Springer show.

I really HAVE stayed in some very luxurious hotels before.

However .....

This is more fun than a mud wrestling match with Sandra Bullock, Me and Cheesecake.

I have just spent 10 minutes trying to slam the lid down on this 'quiet close' toilet !

Fucking amazing and I do think it' time to stroll down to the bar and test the limits of this expense account.

Anyone in Bristol may wanna stay away from town tonight.

When my new compnay put me up in a hotel this bloody nice.

Oh a drink when get to my room? Don't mind if I do.

Gaze out of my perch on high at the rather nice city view? Don't mind if 3 do.

Power shower? Don't mind if I do.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh